Monday, 28 September 2009

While she was sleeping

Today I wanted to be productive, but I woke up in a bad mood because I'd had very little sleep (thank you, Pearl's teeth). Although I was quickly coaxed into a good mood by Pearl and Bobby, the tiredness has stayed and means that I'm still in my pyjamas at 11.18am. It's all good though, I have a Pearl sleeping on my lap right now, and we're watching new episodes of 'Man v. Food' - I loooooove food and that show runs the fine line between bliss and torture for me!
I can always be productive later. I think that I manage to fool myself into thinking that I've been productive if I just look at lots of home decor blogs online. My favourites are Design*Sponge and Vintage Simple, it's like house porn. I find English home design magazines so boring and same-y, and also mostly aimed at people much older than us. Because we are considered too young to have our own home with a family, they just don't cater for our tastes. Anyway I love looking at those aforementioned blogs and coming up with little things to change in our home. We haven't really got the time to do big projects at the moment, but it's nice to have lots of ideas stored up. This means that when we ever do have a little spare time or money, we know there's something we can update with that'll make the house feel so much more fresh. For example, today I think we will be satisfied with putting up a new display of pictures in the living room. Ideally the woodwork needs to be painted, but that's nigh on impossible with a 14month old running around. I also want to try and clean the net curtains. Our dining table is in the window, and the nets have become smothered in food that Pearl has either flung, or from where she grabs at them while she's eating. It's a good look but it's time for a change, haha.
Whether I even manage to accomplish these most simple of tasks remains to be seen.

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Things I did not need to see

Today Pearl decided that after she'd eaten a really decent lunch (for once), that because I told her off for putting her hand in a pot of apple pudding, she would make herself sick. It fucking stank... who knew that cheese on toast only needs to be inside a baby's stomach for less than 15 minutes before it takes on the beautiful stench of every other sick in the world. I sound like I'm some demented mother when I say that she made herself sick. I am NOT one of these parents who thinks that their child is out to get them, for example I hate it when you hear mums saying that their child is manipulative and they're not even old enough to walk.

Anyway, she used to do the sick thing in the car seat and she's started doing it elsewhere now. It's like this: she's learned that if she is crying because she's cross, up to a certain point I will not do very much other than try to calm her down, or distract her to try and get her in a better mood. But she has learned that if she cries so hard that she makes herself sick, that obviously gets a bigger reaction out of me. I get it, she's trying to explain to me just how fucking injust I was being. I think so anyway. Is she? Well I guess this is what she's doing, since I have no way of actually knowing, but either way it's horrible to witness. She just makes this horrible heaving noise and coughs really hard till she gets sick.

I think she might have some sort of cold or virus or sooooomething because she has been so crotchety today. I also think that I have been so busy trying to be some sort of super mum and wife, but perfection is a stupid thing to aim for. I have been getting myself all stressed trying to get everything done, and I think she picks up on that. She is so sensitive to the moods of those around her, and particularly my mood. She's been all clingy like a baby monkey, I struggled to be able to get dressed today without her crying at my feet. It's made me realise I need to stop dilly-dallying and buy a MeiTei baby carrier so that I can carry her around with me and not make my spine even more wonky. I have a couple of other slings, the Moby Wrap in particular was an absolute life saver. I still use that regularly but when we're just around the house I need something quicker and more lightweight. Plus I want to start wearing her on my back and I don't find the back positions with the Moby very comfortable. I've seen in a couple of other Mama blogs that the meitei is good for that position, so I must get on that soon.

Ok writing this was interrupted by her waking up crying only 40minutes after she went to bed. She is snuffling like nobody's business... which means some sort of cold or virus, or the dreaded teething. Actually come to think of it, she hasn't had a new tooth in over a month. That means it's going to be a bad night's sleep. I'ma go watch rubbish tv for a while, and pray for some sort of sleep-related miracle to hit Pearl before I drag my sorry self to bed.

Monday, 21 September 2009


In the space of what feels like a minute, my baby girl has become a proper toddler. She answers my questions, she is able to tell me (in her own way) what she wants or doesn't want, and she also has the most insane temper tantrums and generally stomps about the house with a serious sense of purpose. Even if that purpose is to put my driving license out of the window in our (1st floor) living room, or to put her toys out of the cat flap. This afternoon she emptied nearly a whole box of cornflakes onto the freshly cleaned kitchen floor. Anyway: it's nice to feel less like having a child is just one big guessing game, and more like we might actually know what we are doing. Well, maybe for like 20seconds a day, but it's start!
When we first heard about 'attachment parenting' it was something that just felt right. It was never a conscious decision to parent in that way, it was more like it was what made sense to us. Of course I'm going to believe in my baby's cries, of course I'm going to breastfeed her, of course I'm going to do all the things that make her life best for her. My life now revolves around this little person that I chose to bring into this strange scary world and it is my job to help her learn what to do. I want to do everything I can to help her grow up confident, and to feel safe and loved. I want her to know that she can trust me and her Daddy, always and for any fucking thing she needs. Secure attachment for the win. Yes - it potentially means more sleepless nights, among other things, but heck I didn't have a baby so that I could carry on living my old life. We are already reaping what we have sown, when I watch her compared to other toddlers. For every criticism I am given about how badly she sleeps, and about how much breastmilk she still has, and how she is 'still' in our bedroom... people then turn around and go on about how wonderful she is. They say how much personality she has for somebody so small, how she seems to know exactly what she wants, what a happy bubba she is. Well for me that's the proof and pudding or however you say it, and every single thing we're aiming for in all this. Shortcuts now just mean the pudding might not rise to its full potential. (Ok I'm done with the baking metaphors, that was bad and I apologise!).
Anyway. I must make an effort at some point to write about something other than Pearl. How about this; I'm half watching Jamie Oliver embarrassing himself in New Orleans and it's allllmost as cringeworthy as watching Michael in new episode of The Office. Which was amazing by the way, but mostly because it's not actually real, whereas Jamie Oliver is really over in America making everybody think that all English people are wankers. He's a div.
The mac is burning my knee so I'ma finish this here. I'm going to go and kill my neighbours, who have decided that 9.30pm is the perfect time to pack up their house to move. Obnoxious fucking wankers. I can't wait till they move out, hopefully our new neighbours will decide to furnish their house with actual soft furnishings and not just minimalist wank so that we don't have to hear every single footstep and noise they make.

Monday, 14 September 2009

They all have a place.

I've decided to start a blog. With a 14month old daughter, I have no idea how often I will be able to actually write posts, but I figure I may as well give it a go. I also have no idea who might read this but it's nice to have somewhere to write things and perhaps come back and read what my sleep-deprived self was thinking at any given moment in time. Well, that was an unnecessarily long and garbled sentence - unfortunately my writing tends to be like that (very much like my speech, if you've ever had a conversation with me) but please bear with me. I have to bear with myself and have a lovely husband who also bears with me. I guess Pearl probably also bears with me a lot.

Lately I get glimpses of what she's going to be like as a grown up person. We'll be having a conversation (i.e I'll be talking at her about whatever we're doing) and I'll just catch her looking at me as if to say "What the fuck, mum?!". I can't wait till she can actually answer back in real words, you know rather than just in collections of consonant and vowel sounds in various pitches. The pitch and speed of this babbling determines her mood. Lately it's been all fast and high and non-stop.

This week our home has been re-named Frustrationville, population Pearl. Also Snotsville, population Pearl and Dada. Living with a sick baby is bad enough, but add in a sick man and... whoa there! I'm a Mama get me outta here! I think the Snotsville thing makes the Frustrationville thing infinity worse, but as the snot subsides and the frustration continues I fear the worst. At least Bobby is on the mend so I've only got one ratbag to deal with. Pearl gets so frustrated because she quite clearly knows what she wants/means, and on the rare occasion that I don't understand what she wants she just loses her mind. 14months old is a very hard age to be, apparently. I can actually see why she gets cross like she does. She is SO bright and it's as though she knows in her head what she wants to do, but she isn't physically or verbally developed enough to actually do it and she gets all upset and sometimes inconsolable. It's all about enabling and if you cant enable then you have to use distraction. You'll try and distract her with a sink full of water (it's the simple things!), or with going on a 'cat hunt' (aka "Let's go find Keke and Chino... oooh are they under the bed.... noooo...... are they in the wardrobe.... noooooo etc etc). She understand SO much more than I even realise, I'm sure of it. I was able to get her to lie down for a nappy change earlier by telling her that we were going to see the ducks afterwards, and she lay down quite happily signing and saying 'quack, ducks, quack, duck duck duck quack quack'.

So far this has been like the brain fart and verbal diarrhoea of a tired mum. I live and breathe Pearl, in case you hadn't noticed. When she goes to bed I feel like I should take what everybody else calls 'me time' but I find myself going over what I've done today with Pearl, and what she did that was new, and talking to Bobby about how amazing she is, etc etc. And now I'm writing about it to the internets. I wonder if these feelings of wonder ever fade? And I wonder if I'll ever write about anything else?

Stay tuned?